Constant Struggle!

It’s been a constant uninterrupted struggle for me! Sometimes it’s been with self, sometimes with Mom, sometimes with Dad, sometimes with brother, not the least now hubby. So far the greatest have been with self.

As it’s been well concluded in general that be it for anyone, Childhood days are the most awesomest days one had ever lived in the lifetime. Is it true!? But I don’t feel so! The thoughts supporting this are in constant revolution in my mind since quite some time but I just cannot discuss them with no fucking one but self.

When I say the struggle started from childhood, of course the first person was with mom. As many others, my upbringing too happened in a giant joint family. There were different viewpoints, mindsets, expectations of every different individual who was a part of that family. She *always* wanted me to be in a certain way just because she was in a constant struggle not to be pointed out by the people around and attracting all sorts of criticisms on the way she is nurturing her child. I, on the other hand, was in a constant struggle to break all the stereotypes that I come across. And yes Everytime I was adamant enough not to flunk in my attempts. And I won. Now that am married, She wants me to behave as a well- cultured & nurtured daughter in law with my in laws. I feel as though am in stress to follow all those stuff. Of course many a times I have to lie, at times I avoid, sometimes I argue and also I do not fail to deviate the topic if required. Because I don’t see any other option. She just wants me to be the way she is. Believe whatever she believes. Accept whatever she expects. Follow the same mindset. But on the contrary, I am a rebel by birth. If a thing is not of my taste, it doesn’t take time for me to discard right away. She expects and suggests to do things and lead my life in a particular manner no less than a mother in law, which my mother in law has not enforced on me so far yet. Touchwood! She just left me to be me! And it’s been almost 11 months now since marriage.

Struggle with my dad was not much of a hassle to handle though. I was mostly ‘papa ki pari laadli’. It was just during the adolescent days that I had to struggle to move out of my hometown to study further getting into a reputed university, have the experience of hostel life and city lifestyle! He always feared to send me off to an alien city. Though it was an easy game for me to win.

How does a relationship move on along when both the individuals have two different ways and ends to the life? How do they serve the interests of each other simultaneously keeping the equation unchanged? What do they do when they have different definition of happiness for each other? Where do they find solace? Well, that’s a constant struggle for me at present?

The struggle with self is the most complicated one till date. I think I am losing myself in between understanding my own needs and meeting societal expectations. I don’t see anything stressful than this.

What do you do when you don’t want a person in your life even if you know that they like you so much? What do you do when you have your wishlist and bucketlists to be ticked off and you also have societal bucketlist at the same time? What do you do, at 26, when you have to be dependent on someone for every single thing of your life to be fulfilled? How do you maintain your motivation at the same level all the time? Who do you get inspiration from? How do you deal with the constant struggle with your inner self? Where do you go to when you feel this world is shit?

In between all these struggles God forbid, me losing myself with time. Though I am trying to emerge stronger with a firm faith on myself to get through all odds, though not immediately but ultimately!

Cheers to me! And to those who are riding the same horse! 😊

He. She. Stories.

She: Can I ask you something?

He: Yes. Sure!

She: Can I expect you to be with me in my support no matter what even if the whole world is against me, irrespective how big mistake ever committed? Answer in yes or no! Please.

He: Darling, the ans is both yes & no!

She: How is that possible?

He: Yes, no matter what I will be in your support! But not if you ever want to leave me!! 😁😘

She: *GRIN* I love you Darling, more than my own self!! 😘😘😘 My world!!

My Fake Self

This is sooo me.. You very well depicted my feelings & unfolded current phase of my life in words.

Live Your Dreams 24/7

For the world I wear new smiles everyday
Each grin that I borrow, in tears is how I repay
I may look happy, but inside its grimace that lay
Covering my true self is now the only way!

There’s none who knows what goes on inside
A tough task it was but I managed to somewhat hide
Not a single man is there, in whom I can confide
Bit by bit the piled up gloom eats away my pride…

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Yes you got it right. This post is going to be all about money and its value in this world. Though money isn’t everything but everything needs money. Without money you cannot move a single step ahead. Though, it gives purpose, value, significance to life. I see beggars on the roads. at the same time I also see all the high class spendthrifts living in posh areas, flaunting their style in a carefree manner in the malls of metro cities. I find myself in awe how money drives people in every field of life. How money plays the key role in a person’s living and lifestyle. The beggars are seen in that condition due to money. Posh people are seen in that level again due to money. Middle class people struggle to live their life and just struggle for money day in and day out. From dawn to dusk, everyone ‘s move has the single most significant motive of every single step they take- Money. Money drives crazy to the people also who are into burglary, dacoity and all such nuisance creators in the society.

Again, Money also plays a key role in matrimony. One of the first things that come to bride’s parents is ..ladka kitna kamaata hai!? LADKE WAALE KITNE SAMPATI WAALE HAIN!? Blahh blahh! Without money, probably I could not have been able to type these words on money right now. Without money, probably my parents could not be able to make me able to type these words.

But I wonder why such basic things are also dependent on money? Why money is everything? Without money I cannot travel to places even if I love visiting places..That needs a huge cost to be spent. Again at the same time, I also want to donate to orphanages, adopt at least 2 children and take up their whole responsibility, donate to the street beggars  some clothes, food items at least during weekends, build toilets for the slum areas at my home town. But where do I get money for all this? Also I want to lead a good decent life: good house, a vehicle, etc etc. But again MONEY!!!! UFFF!!!! The source for every damn thing!! I think I will go crazy thinking about all this and not being able to materialize. Being a human being I personally believe in “Vasudeiva Kutumbakam”.

But then I feel pity for people in remote areas who still do not have their villages connected with roads to towns or cities, lack of proper transportation system, education for their children, electricity facility, etc. I feel really bad when the picture of old woman walking miles bare foot flashes in front of my eyes, even if just for a moment. I want to do something for these people!! Alas!! Again the reason behind this is Money!!! On either of the side! Though I agree government is on its way to eradicate all these grass root level issues. But I as an individual too want to contribute to this! Arrgghhh!! Moneyyyy!!!!

I wonder how this basic feeling of equality among all human beings lacks in human beings itself!! But then, again the reason is Money!!! Dear Money, Why are you everything?

The most expensive drink in the world

In Others' Words...

“The cost of a thing is the amount of

what I will call life

which is required to be exchanged for it,

immediately or in the long run.”

Henry David Thoreau

I saw something on tv recently about the most expensive drink in the world.  It cost something like $14,000 for one cocktail.  I immediately went to a place of judgment.  How could ANYONE justify spending that much on one drink?


When I first got sober all I could think about was the fact that I would never get to drink again.  I mean, how was that even possible?  How do you do Christmas without champagne?  How do you get through summer without beer?  How do you celebrate? How do you commiserate?  How do you get that instant stress de-escalation that comes when the alcohol hits your bloodstream?

I remember the first time I felt that.  I was eleven…

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What Next!?

Done with studies? At least with Masters..WHAT NEXT!?

Whether or not I should get married, NOW? How to go about this marriage thing? Time to settle down or to take some more time? What if things move the other way round? How to tackle things and more importantly the emotional self..that would be the greatest part ever that only self can understand deeply. Blood will be found split in the battleground. What about all those uneasiness, anxiety, fear. That feeling will be firmly unshaken.It will be AGONISING.

How to go about meeting the expectations of parents? How to manage and bridge the generation gap between parents & us? How to hit a six  without hurting them? What about the personal interests, goals & motives? How to figure out what language can be used in order to make them understand?

In all this process the pathetic part is how money plays the key role. Without it, moving an inch forward is just next to impossible. Again its a fact that after a certain period it feels pathetic to be dependent on your family. Its more complicated if you are a dad-less child and mom being a home maker. Speak of any competitive exam you require huge fund to find yourself through it. And if you step into a bottom-notch any private sector..compromising with the kind of vacancy they need it to be fulfilled not something the kind of job you want to get into. Why? Coz you want to be independent of your family and at the same time need money. And after a period of time you will simply end up feeling Dude!! Where am I? What exactly am I doing?

While you still find yourself having inclination towards higher degree..But then the worst part is once you taste & experience self-earned just find yourself addicted to it. Unless you are an exception.

Stuck somewhere in between this.

The bestest part ever is FIND yourself the luckiest one if you have  the most supportive boyfriend! EVER! Probably he is going to be the pathbreaker for me!

The inconsiderate leaving of tears.

A Girl Of Her Words.


Part 6.

there are many ways to cry:
whimpering. weeping. howling.
bawling. sobbing. wailing.

do not ask me how,
ask my body that’s silently shook,
and violently trembled,
and desperately begged,
and made friends with pillows.

meet my eyes.
and deep crescents of dusk nestled.
they well tell you, the cries are gone.

now, what?

what happens when grief unlearns its language?
the hurt remains, the guest overstaying its welcome.

but people demand proof.
show me your pain;
they want to see your pain.

but the pain did no leave with the tears.
how inconsiderate.

(read the series in its entirety here)

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something to tell


This morning with sleepy eyes, I read a helpful article, courtesy of Facebook.  Not all articles I read are helpful but this one was.  It was basically very simple, 3 Buddhist beliefs (there’s always 3, or 7 or 10 principles that can magically transform your life but these 3, I liked) that could speak to us all universally, regardless if we practiced Buddhism in our lives or not.  Last night my heart was heavy when I went to bed, but I held on to the knowing that had proven true in the past — in that nothing stays the same and all things shift.  Sometimes clichés, tediously over-used as they can be, do offer some solace.  So this morning I did indeed awake to a lighter sense of being, and it wasn’t because I hadn’t had breakfast yet; I don’t normally anyway, not till I get in to work.  But…

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the idea of perfection is inhumane

something to tell


Two people meet and fall in love. Then they marry, and the real Sam or Suzy begins to show through the fantasy, and, boy, is it a shock. So a lot of little boys and girls just withdraw their anima or animus. They get a divorce and wait for another receptive person, pitch the woo again, and, uh-oh, another shock. And so on and so forth.
Now the one undeniable fact: this disillusion is inevitable. You had an ideal. You married that ideal, then along comes a fact that does not correspond to that ideal. You suddenly notice things that do not quite fit with your projection. So what are you going to do when that happens? There’s only one attitude that will solve the situation: compassion. This poor, poor fact that I married does not correspond to my ideal; it’s only a human being. Well, I’m a human being…

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