It’s been a constant uninterrupted struggle for me! Sometimes it’s been with self, sometimes with Mom, sometimes with Dad, sometimes with brother, not the least now hubby. So far the greatest have been with self.
As it’s been well concluded in general that be it for anyone, Childhood days are the most awesomest days one had ever lived in the lifetime. Is it true!? But I don’t feel so! The thoughts supporting this are in constant revolution in my mind since quite some time but I just cannot discuss them with no fucking one but self.
When I say the struggle started from childhood, of course the first person was with mom. As many others, my upbringing too happened in a giant joint family. There were different viewpoints, mindsets, expectations of every different individual who was a part of that family. She *always* wanted me to be in a certain way just because she was in a constant struggle not to be pointed out by the people around and attracting all sorts of criticisms on the way she is nurturing her child. I, on the other hand, was in a constant struggle to break all the stereotypes that I come across. And yes Everytime I was adamant enough not to flunk in my attempts. And I won. Now that am married, She wants me to behave as a well- cultured & nurtured daughter in law with my in laws. I feel as though am in stress to follow all those stuff. Of course many a times I have to lie, at times I avoid, sometimes I argue and also I do not fail to deviate the topic if required. Because I don’t see any other option. She just wants me to be the way she is. Believe whatever she believes. Accept whatever she expects. Follow the same mindset. But on the contrary, I am a rebel by birth. If a thing is not of my taste, it doesn’t take time for me to discard right away. She expects and suggests to do things and lead my life in a particular manner no less than a mother in law, which my mother in law has not enforced on me so far yet. Touchwood! She just left me to be me! And it’s been almost 11 months now since marriage.
Struggle with my dad was not much of a hassle to handle though. I was mostly ‘papa ki pari laadli’. It was just during the adolescent days that I had to struggle to move out of my hometown to study further getting into a reputed university, have the experience of hostel life and city lifestyle! He always feared to send me off to an alien city. Though it was an easy game for me to win.
How does a relationship move on along when both the individuals have two different ways and ends to the life? How do they serve the interests of each other simultaneously keeping the equation unchanged? What do they do when they have different definition of happiness for each other? Where do they find solace? Well, that’s a constant struggle for me at present?
The struggle with self is the most complicated one till date. I think I am losing myself in between understanding my own needs and meeting societal expectations. I don’t see anything stressful than this.
What do you do when you don’t want a person in your life even if you know that they like you so much? What do you do when you have your wishlist and bucketlists to be ticked off and you also have societal bucketlist at the same time? What do you do, at 26, when you have to be dependent on someone for every single thing of your life to be fulfilled? How do you maintain your motivation at the same level all the time? Who do you get inspiration from? How do you deal with the constant struggle with your inner self? Where do you go to when you feel this world is shit?
In between all these struggles God forbid, me losing myself with time. Though I am trying to emerge stronger with a firm faith on myself to get through all odds, though not immediately but ultimately!
Cheers to me! And to those who are riding the same horse! 😊